Let’s talk about family.
Tomorrow, its Easter Sunday. Where I come from, it’s basically Christmas 2.0. The whole family gets together, there is a feast, a shit tonne of food.
I have spent countless hours today cooking traditional Polish food. Baking cheesecake and cutting vegetables for a salad. Painting pisanki (polish easter eggs). But I won’t be sitting down at the table with my mother and step father, my brother and uncle.
Tomorrow, I will instead be sitting at a table with my fiancé, and my friend who also doesn’t have a family to spend the easter with. I will be showing them Polish traditions and we will laugh and enjoy our time together.
But still… I am scared. This is my first time celebrating easter properly since I’ve left. And at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t be. Because after all… My mother and step father hurt me. They did things to me that will forever have an effect on me.
And yet… I feel lonely. A part of me actually misses them, despite knowing that I dont want to see them ever again. Over the years, my mother especially made me feel that I have nobody in the world outside of her. That I cannot survive, let alone live without her.
I battle against that notion every day. And tomorrow, is one of those big battles. I want it to be perfect. Its why I’ve spent hours in the kitchen. I dont want to be lonely.
My partner is now my family. My friends are my family. And I will sit with them tomorrow, in honesty and care. It wont be perfect. I know that. I might get sad, need a moment alone for five minutes but… its a start. A start to letting go of the abusive bond my biological family forced on me.
I wont let them make me lonely.