Rants · Relationships

Warning: This post contains mentions of parental abuse.

I am scared. 

So, incredibly scared. 

I am at my mother’s house. It happened again. I was so afraid that she will come to see me herself that I decided to come down for a few days. 

And I have also decided that by the end, I will leave her a letter. I will explain, everything. Lay it out. Tell her that I do not want to see her again. 

And guess what? I turn up, and she’s… okay. She acts nice. And it bothers me. Because I don’t trust it. I dont know what it means. I am not used to it. She has been talking about mating my partner, and housing and helping out with things…. And I dont get any of it. I am used to her hitting me, belittling me and making me feel worthless. I feel like a hurt animal. I dont know what to do.

I am shitting myself. I dont know what she will do once she reads the letter, and if I get a phone call from her I might just have a breakdown on the coach. I dont know what she can do. I have a draft in my mind… but I will be writing it up later and… I am so, so afraid. 

But I want to be better. I want to be healthy. I cant do that if I fear her existance every day of my life.